What holds you back? What moves you forward?

We often think about 'external forces' holding us back or moving us forward. Things outside ourselves and, to varying degrees, outside our control. Some of these 'external forces' include:

• 'I grew up in a bad neighbourhood'
• 'I don't have a car to get to work'
• 'My boss doesn't like me'
• 'The economy's very bad here in my country'

What we'd like to explore a bit in this Chapter are 'internal forces' that hold us back or move us forward. Often, the external forces are not as influential and powerful in reality as they are in our own minds. After all, it's comfortable to blame other people or circumstances beyond our control for things we're not happy or proud about. Unfortunately, people learn 'The Blame Game' early in life - as kids, 'he started it!'... 'John made me do it,' etc. - and then carry that into adult life, even though it is more of a handicap than a help. Only by honestly examining the internal forces can you begin to really control your present and your future.

One such internal, or inside, force is a thing psychologists call 'Self-Image.' This literally means the image or picture you hold in your mind about yourself. Lots of things contribute to the self-image. Things your parents or your siblings said repeatedly about you and to you as you were growing up. Things your friends or co-workers now say about you. Past experiences. Comparisons you make between yourself and others. From these and many other sources, you sort of 'build' your self-image.

It is said that you cannot out-perform your self-image. Your self-image serves like a thermostat in your house — the thermostat limits how hot it gets in the summer or how cold it gets in the winter. The self-image limits what you might attempt and what you might accomplish, even what you might earn. Consider the person who sees herself as 'shy'... 'not good at persuading people'... 'can't sell'... 'the quiet type'. She may never even attempt speaking out and presenting her ideas at work or leading a committee or taskforce at work or in her church. But is she really so limited?

Probably only by her self-image. You see, there really is no such thing as a 'born' leader or 'born' salesperson or 'born' communicator. There really is no such thing as a genetically shy person. These are all acquired beliefs and learned behaviours.

In her childhood, she may have had strict and protective parents, and constantly heard such things as 'speak only when spoken to' and 'don't talk to strangers'. Maybe one of her close childhood playmates was very outgoing and aggressive, so that friend always 'led' and she always 'followed'. Through this 'programming', she built a self-image early, as a 'shy person'. Then she begins choosing what she will do and won't do based on this idea, so her experience reinforces her self-image. Before long, she has drawn a line in the sand that she tries never to cross. If no one or no thing ever pushes her across that line, she may never discover what is often true: as an adult, she has abilities and talents unknown to her.

Are you being held back by a limiting self-image? A line drawn in the sand? Maybe. It's worth thinking about. If you react to the ideas of getting more education... preparing for a better career... setting goals... with 'that's not for me', you may very well be doing battle with your own self-image limits.

You can't out-perform your self-image, but you can change it. You can test your limits, push at them and experiment.

How to discover your hidden talents and new interests

When a person says 'I'm not much of a reader' or 'I don't like to read', often the truth is that he never learned to read well and, since school, has let what reading skills he did have get rusty. Further, he was always forced to read, so he naturally resists it.

Most adults share this experience: There is some food, maybe a vegetable, you hated as a kid, haven't eaten in a long time, and absolutely believe you don't like. For one reason or another, you taste it for the first time in years and discover that, now, it tastes good to you! This same kind of experience can happen with anything, including this example - reading.

When a person says something like 'I'm no good with computers. It's just too complicated for me', often the truth is that they simply lack information, knowledge, training and assistance about that particular subject or skill.

How the 'nerd' discovered his secret talent as a billiards shark

We know a maths whiz who had a great interest in computers, in science, in technical topics, but no interest at all in playing billiards with his buddies, who were avid players. 'I'm no good at it' he said, 'I'm clumsy. I'm not good at games or sports. That's just the way I am'. By saying these things, he was verbalising part of his self-image, describing the picture he carried in his mind about himself.

One day, somebody pointed out to him how much playing billiards has to do with - geometry! This caused him to look at the game in an entirely new way. Then he got interested in it. He tried playing, with this new knowledge and to his surprise, he discovered that his understanding of the angles made up for less-than-terrific physical dexterity. He could play well and he enjoyed it. Then, by playing regularly, his physical skills naturally improved too. After a year, he was routinely beating his friends and started entering tournaments. The way to uncover your own hidden talents and interests is simply to experiment. Instead of saying 'That's just the way I am' say 'I'll try that'.

How to strengthen skills or abilities

When you decide to develop some skill or ability, especially one that may be new and relatively unfamiliar or uncomfortable, you may benefit from some or all of the five ways top athletes and business people alike strengthen their skills:

• Visualisation
• Affirmation
• Education
• Association
• Action

Visualisation means forming and holding pictures in your mind. Although it was a radical idea at one time, today it is common knowledge in the sports world that 'mental practice' has almost as much positive impact as physical practice and, in mental practice, athletes practise perfectly. Basketball players, for example, have proven they can improve their success at shooting baskets from the foul line just by sitting in a quiet room for an hour, 'imagining' themselves standing on the foul line and shooting one perfect basket after another. The imagination is a powerful thing.

Ironically, as a kid, you may have been accused of being a 'day-dreamer' yet the truth is that 'day-dreaming' has a place and serves a constructive purpose.

Let's say that you feel weak in communication skills and dread going to a job interview. You might build a 'mental movie' of you going on a job interview, getting along very well with the interviewer, being calm and relaxed, answering the questions brilliantly, and getting hired instantly. Dr Maxwell Maltz, an early pioneer in self-image psychology, called this using 'The theatre in your mind'. To make this 'mental movie' realistic, you would consult a couple of books on interviewing skills, to learn techniques, and you would make up or get a list of questions most interviewers would ask, and use those questions in your 'mental movie'. Once built and run, your 'mental movie' is stored in memory and can be recalled at will. Visualisation, then, is simply the re-running of this 'mental movie' over and over and over again.

Another term for all this is 'synthetic experience'. Synthetic means imitation or substitute - for example, cotton is 'real' fabric, a polyester-cotton blend is called a 'synthetic' fabric because it perfectly imitates the real thing. Now here's a very interesting thing about how your human mind works. The very powerful subconscious mind cannot tell the difference between synthetic and real experience. For example, your blood pressure might go up and you might get a severe headache from worrying about taking a big test, just as your blood pressure would go up and you would get a headache whenever you actually had to take the test. That's because the subconscious mind can't tell the difference between the synthetic experience (worry) or the real one (taking the test), so it tells the body to react the same way both times. Once you understand all that, you can make it work to your benefit.

Go back to the job interview. If you've had that interview as synthetic experience enough times, over and over, and remained perfectly calm, relaxed, confident and had success each time, when the real thing starts - the actual job interview - your subconscious mind says to itself: 'Hey, I remember this, been here, done this. I know exactly what I'm supposed to do and how this guy's body is supposed to react'. Then the subconscious mind sends out its directives to the rest of you: 'Relax', it tells the nervous system. It triggers the memory for the best responses to the questions. It re-creates the already rehearsed event.

Mental reinforcement is another means of 'programming' the subconscious mind. Sometimes this is referred to as 'self-talk.' Most people talk to themselves all the time, constantly, though usually silently, and most such self-talk unfortunately reinforces negative self-image beliefs. Here's an example: John locks his keys in the car. To himself, he says: 'You idiot!' Then: 'I can't seem to remember anything. I'm such a screw-up.' John has translated the incident into an indictment, a criticism of himself. It's interesting, by the way, that most people's self-talk is critical. Obviously, you do a great many smart, good and right things every day, yet, in self-talk, you probably do not praise yourself for doing those things. But make a mistake, and you're all over yourself, like your worst enemy!

The reason this is so harmful is that your subconscious mind accepts cumulative self-talk (the same criticism heard and said repeatedly) as a 'command', then it does everything in its power to fulfil the command. If you tell it that you are clumsy over and over again, it will exert its control over your physical body to literally make you even clumsier. The good news is that you can tell it something you want to be over and over again, and it will work on making that command a reality. Now this is not 'magic'. It won't do much by itself, but as a reinforcement tool, it can be very powerful. Let's say you're always late and have decided to change that about yourself. You have chosen a new direction; you are going to be a punctual person. Your positive mental reinforcement might be:

• I am the kind of person who always shows up on time
• Being on time and reliable is very important to me
• I value and respect my own time and others' time, so I honour my commitments
  

You might want to write these down on a small card until you memorise them. Then you should say them out loud at least several times a day. Repeat them out loud or silently over and over again as you fall asleep. You may feel silly at first - until you see the results!

Just saying positive things and doing nothing else will have a very limited effect, but while also doing certain things to improve your on time behaviour, setting all your clocks and watches 15 minutes ahead, starting to use an appointment calendar, picking out the day's clothes the night before

- the combination of this type of positive mental reinforcement and actions can be very dramatic.

EDUCATION or INFORMATION is the next important tool. Simply put, the more you know about something, the less intimidating or difficult it is to deal with.

Think about skydiving, for example. To someone who has never done it, and knows nothing about it except having seen people parachute jump on TV, the idea of jumping out of an airplane is probably not going to have much appeal. But let's say you had to do it, for one reason or another

- maybe you lost a bet - and you had time to prepare. How could you reduce the fear and improve your chances, not only of survival, but of doing it well and enjoying it?

'A man only learns in two ways, one by reading, and the other by association with smarter people.'

One thing that would help would be seeing how the parachutes themselves are 'rigged' or assembled. This is a painstaking process with many checks and double-checks. Then you could read a book, maybe watch a video about skydiving. Then you could go to a 'skydiving school' - required in almost every place before you are allowed to jump. At the 'school', you learn how to properly exit the plane, position your body, count, pull the cord, navigate and land. You practise each of these things over and over, with the help of a very experienced instructor. Finally, on your first jump, there's a safety cord from your chute to the instructor, in the plane, so even if you should 'freeze up' and not pull your cord on time, he'll pull it for you. As you went through all of this, chances are excellent that your fears and worries were diminished and your interest increased. That's the way the human mind works.

Of course, you may have no interest whatsoever in skydiving. But you can benefit from this same 'process' with any skill you want to learn, improve or master. By exposing yourself to as much information about it as possible, your confidence and your competence will automatically get stronger.

Association is the fourth method of strengthening a skill. We talked about association in the previous Chapter, too. If you want to get good (or better) at something, then it just makes sense to be with people who are as good or better than you are at that thing. If you bowl, for example, you'll never get better if the only people you bowl with are less skilled than you are. To get better as a bowler, you'd bowl with people slightly better than you are, who would challenge you, from whom you could learn by observing.

Action is the fifth tool. None of the above tools are of much value unless and until you take action on your thoughts and ideas. And, incidentally, most people drop the ball right here, over and over again, throughout their entire lives. The world is full of people who will tell you about the 'great idea' they had, did nothing about, then saw someone else turn it into a successful product or business. Procrastination - the putting off of doing something - is the universal language of the poor!

5 tools for change

1. VISUALISATION

Describe a picture, a mental movie of yourself doing something you want to do and doing it successfully. (Example: A successful day in the work you'd like to be doing. Remodelling your house. Competing in a race.) Run this mental movie at least once a day, every day for 30 days - you'll probably be surprised by related events that occur in your life!

2. POSITIVE REINFORCEMENT

Create at least three of your own, limit-lifting statements in keeping with the positive directions you'd like to take in your life. Try using your statements for 30 days. Carry them with you. Read and repeat them a number of times each day. Even though this will feel uncomfortable, maybe foolish, it is proven to achieve results!

3. EDUCATION

Three things I can do now to further my education, that relates to goals I want to achieve.

4. ASSOCIATION

Considering my directions, three people I should associate with less are...

Again considering my directions, three people I should associate with more are...

5. ACTION Date:

What I will do in the next 10 days to advance in my positive directions. Check off items when they are done.